Poetry / Thoughts by a contributor
A lot has happened so far as a start for my 2019. The life I’ve been accustomed to has made a dramatic 180 which left me chosen for the role in being the provider of my household. The brain is a very mysterious phenomenon, regardless of current and future findings by psychologists as well as scientists and their current experiments. As one gets older, the sharply pointed spear within the mind withers to a dull blade. A similar concept can be said for one who is growing into the person they’re destined to be, by carving and sharpening the slab of metal that is the brain once someone is born. The workhorse that my father has always been slowed his stride abruptly to a gallop, which will eventually lead to a trot. In this circle of life; it is simply the old age combined with the misplacement of information that should transfer from short term to long term memory. Scientists would call this dementia. However I would call it Hell. Throughout my twenty three years on this green and blue earth, I’ve never been so stressed out in my entire comprehension of what makes up a stressor. When I think of what my mother would want of me, I know she would tell me that family comes first and to care for my father for as long as I’m capable. I promise I will try my hardest. However, this toll is already creating anxiety in the possibility of my mind becoming bankrupt. Being a caregiver is already taking so much out of me. I am a perfectionist, I either get things done to the best of my ability or I crumble under the pressure that is the chance in failing to do so. I am more than able to withstand this hardship, although I can already see the cracks that have formed in my own self reflection. A weight like this on a mind is like a drug; driving the oxygen from the brain without a moment’s notice. A weight like this is like the weight Superman holds on his shoulders, hiding his identity from the world as the likes of Lex Luther and Doomsday are ready to kill him anytime and anywhere. A weight like this is unlike any free weight a newcomer can strive to achieve for a New Year’s resolution. I’ve truly never felt so much stress or constant reexamination in this life, even during the time I was burying my mother. I would happily relive that week over and over, than wish anything like the torments of dementia on my father. Or anyone for that matter. My brain is deprived of the very cherished memories of my dad and are being replaced by the saddening image he is becoming. I am sure a day will come that he forgets my name, although I truly beg my Lord for that day to never come. I have not been very active as of late, due to the overwhelming change in my daily life. It is 10:42pm on this Sunday evening, and the house is quiet.
But my mind is screaming for solitude.