Realizations You’re 30 from a 29 Year Old

    Everyone had this idea in their head of what it would be like to be 30 years old or at least nearing the point for the official closeout of your 20s, especially us ladies. However, I do not think we realized everything that comes with the territory of the dirty 30…

    All that would be left behind… All of our experience and adult prep that would be of no relevance in our lives any longer… etc.

    I admit, I once thought like Jennifer Garner’s prepubescent character, Jenna Rink, “Thirty and Flirty and Thriving”?

     Well, I guess two out of three ain’t bad.

    This is devoted to all of my old common practices and my personal revelations that have become more realistic to my own coming of age- 30!

    This is my proof that I am maturing in the worst way ever.

    You no longer drunk dial.

    This may have just been me, but I never thought this day would come… I became so immune to the idea of waking up and facing the embarrassment that went along with a long night’s binge on vodka sodas and a mobile device that never left my hand. At least I’m happy to report I follow a very strict no photo policy after a certain time, but my words have definitely left their mark on the ghosts of ex-hookups past. It even got to the point where my drunk self would go ahead and delete some of the text messages the same night just so my sober self would never know! Good looking out girl!

    You start noticing bathroom tiles and what the kitchen counter is made of at other people’s homes.

    And get jealous…

    The living conditions throughout your college years and even nowadays, well into your 20s, are not typically upscale or reflective of the lifestyle in which you were once accustomed too. Now I find that when exploring tours of friend’s apartments, houses, and living quarters, the structure and decor is beginning to look a lot like a real home. I found myself becoming envious of marble counter tops and stainless steal appliances. Where did the time go?

    You had no idea Selena Gomez and Ariana Grande were products of  Disney & Nickelodeon.

    Unfortunately my 60 year old dad is aware of who they both are…And I would be lying if I said I haven’t occasionally blasted a few of their pop songs on the commute home from work- But I had no idea they arose to fame from my favorite childhood networks.

    Although I am in the loop that they are both of the proper and legal age to be oogled at, it doesn’t stop me from questioning the perverse males that refuse to acknowledge the fact that they look 12 years old!  So not Miley of them, but I respect their grind and good girl image because otherwise, it would creep me out.

    You refuse to date the guy at the bar with a backwards snapback simply because that phase of your life is over.

    Like a moth to a flame, this was my go-to style when migrating to the nearest hottie at the bar…Until realizing I was attracted to “man-boys? and the Eminem appeal was so early millennial.

    You have learned to cook with something other than a George Foreman Grille.The last modern day miracle since the “clap-on?… I spent years of my life dedicating to grilling  just because the fat drips right off. Well, everywhere except my aging body apparently! Quick, easy, and healthy, or so I told myself. But as I have gotten older, I came to terms with the fact that the fastest way to a man’s heart may be through his stomach and I would have to step up my domestic game hard core!

    You start realizing the shirt you are wearing today at the office, you once wore as a dress in Atlantic City.

    The jig is up on this one. This was a sad day in hell when I discovered my entire wardrobe would be deemed completely inappropriate and overly provocative unless worn with slacks and/or a pair of dungarees. A crop top, bustier, or even my favorite high-waisted tribal pants need to be re-prioritized during the selection of items that are to be removed from my closet. However, I did find a pair of apple bottom jeans and boots with the fur.

    I am hanging on to those bad boys.

    You gave up on the idea of ever wanting bangs.

    I have invested concrete man hours reshaping my bangs. Side bangs, blunt bangs, etc. (Celebrity photo after celebrity photo of the types of bangs I want cut whenever I headed to the salon.) Nothing ever seemed to fit right and I never got to look quite like Jennifer Aniston after all. There would be weeks or months at a time where I would stay dormant as I attempted to regrow my poor life decision before giving up entirely on the idea. Thanks Zooey Deschanel.

    You start reading for fun. Not just online…ACTUAL books, not even magazines.

    Not only do I feel the need to keep up with all of this pop culture relevance, but now that also includes trendy best sellers. We, as a generation, stack them on our shelves and show them off like trophies before bragging to our friends how much more we liked the book rather than the movie. Congrats!

    You watch the news because you care what’s going on in the world.

    Every time I watch CNN or any pressing issue in the news I think to myself, “F***CKKK, this actually effects me. I actually care. Son of a …? ( It helps if you read this one in Aziz Ansari’s voice. I find it enhances the point I am trying to make.)

    When you see a little kid with a cell phone or iPad you think, “Spoiled Pr*Ck.��?

    I think back to Sega and Super Nintendo…even Play Station, thinking they were the greatest inventions ever made. I remember dial-up internet and getting kicked off every time my brother picked up the phone because I was over my allotted time for the evening. I played outside. I researched my book reports with encyclopedias. I mapped out routes for destinations with an actual map on my bicycle. Kids today… Go scratch.

    If you are not a parent yourself already, you are an aunt or uncle.

    I see older siblings who are now parents, molding a new human being to be an upstanding citizen with high moral regard and ideal character traits. Then, I try to forget the fact that I once had to help them sneak into the house when they were drunk, hopping around the driveway because their one wish in that moment was that they were the WB Frog.

    Life goes on!

    Welcome 30!