Research suggests that over 95% of us have sexual fantasies, but instead of using these as tools with which to explore our relationships and our sexual identities, we often feel shame and keep them to ourselves. But if you’re a married couple looking to spice things up in the bedroom, talking about your fantasies could be exactly what you need to revive your sex life.
Talk To Me, Baby
Talking about your sexual fantasies makes for one one of the most intimate conversations you can have. If you’ve never discussed them with your spouse before, starting a dialogue about your fantasies is a way to make yourself vulnerable to them in a way you probably haven’t since you first started dating. Talking about your most intimate desires will strengthen the bond between you, building on the trust and intimacy you already have. If you’re currently dissatisfied with your sex life, you probably don’t feel comfortable talking about it with your partner, but by beginning to discuss your desires, you open up new channels of communication around sex, which can lead you gently into discussing what you’d like to work on in your physical relationship.
Merely the act of sharing your fantasies with your partner can be a turn on, whether you go on to explore them and act them out or not, especially when your fantasies involve them. It’s easy to fall into patterns of routine sex when you live with your partner day in day out, and talking about sex probably isn’t part of that routine. Studies have found that communication about – and during – sex has been linked to sexual satisfaction, so sharing your fantasies with your partner is a great way to start improving your sex life.
How To Get Started
If you and your spouse have never talked about your sexual fantasies before, the key is to start slowly. It may be that you want to begin by talking about sex more generally: perhaps about memories of great sex you’ve had together, or simply about the idea that you’ve never discussed your fantasies before. If you’re not ready to talk about your own fantasies yet, you could read about someone else’s erotic encounters together and use that as a springboard into talking about yourselves. When you are ready to get into your own fantasies, make sure your you’re both expecting it: surprise can be sexy, but being blindsided can be a real turn off.
Sharing your most intimate desires with your partner requires you both to feel safe: communication between the two of you needs to be open and positive. Even if one of you shares a fantasy that doesn’t sit well within the other person’s comfort zone, make sure you don’t shame them for it. It may be a fantasy you never revisit together again, but whoever shared it shouldn’t feel bad about having done so. Sharing your fantasies should be a positive experience for both of you, and as soon as it isn’t, it’s time to check in and make sure you’re both comfortable.
Where Do We Go From Here?
Once you’ve opened up a dialogue about your sexual fantasies, it’s likely that you’ll instinctively know what to do next. Some fantasies are possible to act out, and if you’re both into the idea, setting up a scenario where you can explore them in the real world can be a lot of fun. If one of you fantasizes about sex outside, look into suitable locations together and plan a trip. Perhaps one of your fantasies involves a uniform or sex toys: a trip out together to buy props and plan out a scenario where you can act out the fantasy can be just as exciting as the sex itself. If you discover you’re both into the idea of a threesome, start looking into ways you could make this a reality.
Other fantasies, on the other hand, might be impossible to act out, but finding a way to talk about them during sex can be sexy. For fantasies that one of you finds uncomfortable or simply isn’t into, don’t force it. The important thing is that you’re talking about sex and sharing your desires. If some of your fantasies have to remain your own, that’s OK – it can even be sexy to keep a few just for yourself.
Your spouse is the one person you can be truly open with. Talking about your most intimate desires and exploring your fantasies together can be an exciting part of your sex life, and it can transform your experiences in the bedroom. Make sure you’re both ready and open to the idea, and get talking.