It’s Not You, It’s Me: How Heartbreak Made Me Realize I’m An AssH*le

    We all know just how amazing love can be, especially when it’s fresh. It almost feels like you’re floating on cloud nine, sharing a milkshake with two straws and absolutely nothing can go wrong. You find this perfect person and feel as if they were that missing piece you’ve been searching for; it’s the perfect fit.

    Love can make life seem brighter, almost Technicolor. But what happens after the honeymoon phase and that bliss fades away? In the blink of an eye, it can all disappear and then everything just seems dark- dull even.

    Long story short: Breakups f*cking suck.

    Through the painstaking and dragged out process of getting over a particularly painful breakup, I constantly asked myself, “How much longer will I feel like this? When will it stop?” I couldn’t deal with the lingering memories that were way beyond their expiration date. I’ve had my fair share of breakups but never to this magnitude. As I grew frustrated with myself and these negative emotions, I did the only thing I could do: reevaluate.

    With the amount of time that passed by, I knew that I had to start taking control and make the most of these feelings. My only way of doing so was to assess why I was feeling this way and what I can learn from it. But this was no easy task. My emotions would get the best of me and my heart annoyingly responded with pathetic twinges as little things would remind me of him. The worst has to be scrolling down your ex’s timeline and “stumbling upon” (lie, it was intense digging) a picture of them and their new partner. “Oh, look at you, living happily ever after, how perfect,” I snicker as I roll my eyes and resisting the urge to vomit.

    I just couldn’t shake the fact that this hurt me like no other. Usually, I bounce right back after a breakup. I’ve always successfully rebounded and was back on my high horse in no time. If I could get over all of those breakups, than there is nothing insurmountable, no matter how much it hurts. I’ve always considered myself a strong woman who has only grown tougher from the mishaps in my life and the scars they had left behind. But something’s got to give here; can someone tell me when I won’t miss him anymore? Anybody at all?

    There was a point in time where I thought I was doing better, only to have an emotional meltdown when pangs of missing him struck, yet again. My mind tried to logically sort out why I still had these feelings, why I couldn’t get a better grasp on more positive emotions, and how I can begin moving forward. I had started to pick apart what was so different this time around. If I’m going to be sad, I might as well overanalyze the sh*t out of the relationship and my ex as a person. What was it that made this more difficult than my previous breakup’s?

    Unfortunately, I came up short. I just couldn’t seem to figure it all out. However, analyzing how he hurt me, and not so much why, forced me to look inward at myself and my own actions. For a while, I thought he was the assh*le for breaking my heart, obviously. But then I looked at this a little more closely and what I came up with was this: Yes, he may be an assh*le but I definitely am one too.

    Let me clarify.

    For so long, I had negative feelings towards my ex. Any time I thought back to how our relationship deteriorated, I would become extremely upset and was back at square one. I was certain that Taylor Swift based Bad Blood on my relationship (and quite honestly, penned 1989 with me in mind). I would have my moments of weakness, bear in mind I am only human. I had felt a wave of sadness as it took over me, colliding with shame and anger. I couldn’t shake the fact that he wasn’t sitting around missing me or mourning the end of our relationship.

    As I questioned, “How do other people move on so quickly, how do they deal with this?” my thoughts slowly shifted to all my other exes. While I was sifting through these thoughts, I cringed at the realization that I’m the reason why those relationships ended, and furthermore, the one who hurt 9 out of those 10 guys-some deeper than others.

    Now that the shoe was on the other foot, I started to pay attention to the things that I previously neglected. I never gave a second thought to their feelings or their need for some sort of closure. At the time, I wasn’t aware of the potential impression I could have left on these guys, especially since I’ve never been on the receiving end of a heartbreak.

    With this realization came guilt and a wish to apologize for all the pain I had caused.

    Here goes nothing…

    To the sweet guy who waited for my six year relationship to end: I’m sorry that I bailed and didn’t give you a chance to explain how you felt. It was just bad timing for me.

    To the many guys (eek, it was a pattern!) that loved me and patiently waited for me to come around: I’m sorry I never realized your worth. I promise that I never meant to lead you on.

    To the guys that I cheated on: I didn’t realize just how immature and emotionally irresponsible I was. Please know that I regret making those choices; it was more about stroking my own ego and was not a result of who you are or something that you did/did not do.


    And finally, to my biggest regret: I loved you so deeply and I could only hope that time has allowed you to recognize that. I know actions speak louder than words but despite every selfish action, I promise that it was never my intention to bring you pain. At the moment, I was more concerned with seeking my own happiness (however misguided it was), it unfortunately came at the cost of your heart.

    So as you can see, I was quite the d-bag. I can honestly say that these are the men who deserved a whole lot more than what I gave them and I truly hope that they are happier now.

    Apologizing to someone is one thing but admitting your faults is another. Both aide in the building of character and can help you pinpoint the things you’d like to fix about yourself. This process helped me heal from my worst heartbreak by noticing my own flaws. I am extremely grateful for my ex as he unconsciously helped to make me a kinder person. He never meant to hurt me; he just made a few mistakes.

    Now, I can only hope that my fellow assh*les out there are (or will be) sorry for the heartaches that they’ve caused. We all have our day of reckoning, and the day you acknowledge your faults is the day you achieve genuine growth.

    At the end of it all, break up’s suck. But keep in mind that that time heals all wounds, even from the biggest of assh*les.






    • I'm a Millennial navigating life between my twenties and thirties, in pursuit of big dreams, love, and happiness. I believe in ♡, kindness, & big dreams. Lover of music, art, travel, & compassion for those less fortunate.

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