Before I met my husband, I dated a man that we’ll call Milo. Milo was a man who I was deeply attracted to, however, no one could see why I was dating him. For most people, it just didn’t make sense.
I’m decent-looking. I am a size 10 in most jeans, have H cup breasts, and try to take care of myself. I worked a corporate job where I earned a decently high wage. My entourage involves a lot of models, stylists, influencers, and CEOs. It was high pressure, but I handled it best as I could.
Milo was a longtime friend of mine. He was six feet tall, had hands covered in scars, and also weighed approximately 400 pounds when we got together. He worked as a mechanic in the local shop. Unlike myself, he came from a family that wasn’t well-off.
To say we were an odd couple was an understatement. We had more than one occasion when people assumed that he paid me to be with him. Many just assumed that I was desperate because I dated him.
This wasn’t the case; I truly adored his company. I loved his wicked sense of humor, his nerdy interests, his deep voice, killer smile, and of course, how caring he was. Despite him being blue collar, he could hold his own in my white collar world. He had a sense of honor, of class.
Or so I thought.
Our relationship ended after I found out that he cheated on me. It was later revealed that he strayed because he felt insecure while being surrounded by my entourage. No matter how many times I told him I liked him, he didn’t believe me.
I then found out that he went deep into debt just to take me out on dates—much to my dismay. He lied about how much he made in order to impress me; little did he know that I would have been happy to cover the costs!
Insecurity killed our relationship.It actually kills a lot of relationships, even before they start. Right now, there is a very serious epidemic involving male insecurity in the dating scene. I’ve seen it cause men to cheat, to become controlling, to obsess over women, and even become abusive.
Guys, there was a time where I was like you. I used to have serious issues with dating, too. Though I was born female, these tips that I used could possibly help you get a better love life and actually enjoy life as a man more.
Stop reading toxic stuff that feeds on bad vibes.
Fellas, we need to talk. There is a lot of online content that’s really, really bad for you to read. A lot of the dating advice that you read will slowly make you hate women, stay angry, and also start hating yourself.
This is particularly true about advice that says women can’t feel love or that you need to be aggressive. Women are people too. Each woman is different, just like all men are different. Each woman has needs they seek in a partner, just like men have preferences.
The moment you stop seeing women as people and potential partners is the moment that you start going down an extremely unhealthy path. Unfortunately, a lot of forums will start saying that you need to look a certain way or try to control women in order to have a relationship.
This is not healthy.
If you’ve been reading up on this kind of advice, stop it right now. It’s only making you angrier and poisoning your attitude towards women. This kind of advice can and will isolate you from people who could be great for you.
Toxic advice attracts toxic friends. Toxic friends attract misery and bar you from having a happy love life. I’ve been there; I know how it is. By dropping the toxic material from your life, you’re giving yourself a chance to become a happier person.
Moreover, it opens you to seek out new possibilities for yourself.
Readjust your dating standards.
I’m not going to tell you to lower your standards, because honestly, that won’t lead to much good. Having standards is a great thing. Everyone should have standards, especially when it comes to a potential partner’s personality, career, and life skills.
However, you do have to be realistic about your dating goals.
Having been the insecure one in relationships, I can tell you dating “outside your league” can seriously contribute to insecurity. Being insecure makes people act out. It’s a “fight or flight” trigger that eats away constantly. Insecurity often leads to depression, controlling behavior, abuse, and yes, infidelity too.
On the other hand, being the one who is the “major catch” in a relationship isn’t always good, either. When you are always the one your partner relies on for status, emotional support, finances, and other things, it’s easy to get resentful. If your partner acts out due to insecurity, well, it also can make you start feeling insecure too.
You want to have a partner who is an equal to you, or at least has a similar amount of qualities to offer you. You also want a partner who has a similar lifestyle to you. This helps even things out, and also gives you a chance to grow with your lover.
Be who you want to be, and who you’d want to bone.
I want you to look at the mirror right now. Go on, right now. Be honest with yourself.
Think about what you would do if you magically turned into a gorgeous woman and met yourself. Would you date yourself, looking the way you do? Would you, as a female, really marvel at what your career is like or what you do on the weekends? Would you want to live in a home like yours?
If the answer is no, you have some work to do. The number one rule of being attractive is to be the best version of you. Improving yourself is an easy way to gain more confidence and also become a person who others want to be around.
So, if you’re flabby, start dieting. If you have emotional issues or serious depression, go to therapy. If your wardrobe is lacking, go shopping. If you have bad social skills, consider going to a coach to help. Do your best to be someone you feel proud to be!
Get out there and practice your social skills.
A good way to get a better love life is to go out and socialize. Don’t even worry about finding a girl, either. Talking and hanging out with others is the easiest way to gain social skills. Just go out and talk to people. If you are really lost, you can actually go to a therapist to learn social skills and better understand people.
Still, there’s no substitute for having experience under your belt. You do need to go out alone and talk to people. Any place where you can meet new friends in person is a good start. I had luck in night clubs. Others had luck in anime conventions and sports groups.
I’ll tell you right now, you will get rejected and it will suck. This was the hardest for me, because I crash and burned so many times. I dealt with a lot of rejection, but eventually, rejection stopped hurting me. I eventually found my “tribe,” and now have a large network of friends who help keep me sane even when things take a turn for the worst.
The men who are most popular with women are great at talking to people. Socializing has been statistically proven to reduce the rates of mental illness in people. It’s also been linked to better confidence, better love lives, higher wages, as well as longer lifespans.
No, really, cultivate your support network.
Having friends that you actually speak to in person is a huge game-changer when it comes to your life. They become an incredible support network. It helps give you a better outlook on life. It gives you people you can rely on for help when you need it.
More importantly, a support network gives you people who you can be vulnerable around if you need it. You can actually talk to your friends about how you feel, ask them for advice, and yes, ask them to be there for you. That’s what your support network is for, and friends are what make up the bulk of it.
Avoid toxic people at all costs.
The downside of reaching out to others is that you’ll always find bad apples in the bunch. Not every friend is a healthy friend. Some people exist with the sole purpose to drag you down to their level, and others simply are not capable of being good friends. This, too, can impact your love life pretty heavily.
Among guys, toxic friends tend to come in three major flavors: users, losers, and rainclouds.
Users
Users are the friends you have that use you for cash, but never want to pay you back. They say they’re your friend, until you need them. They are glad for you when you date a girl, but try to get with her. When you ask for a favor, they are nowhere to be found.
Users are only looking out for themselves. They see friends as a means to an end. When they have no use for you, they’ll toss you aside. Trust me, you’re better off solo.
Losers
Losers are exactly what they sound like. They’re the people who potentially could life you up, but don’t. They don’t have life goals. They are content to do nothing and hope everything falls into place. They are always cheering you on, until you’re actually close to success. Then, they flip out on you.
When a loser sees someone improving their life, they inadvertently try to steer you away from reaching your goal. Why? Because misery loves company. A good friend will be one who takes a “no excuses” approach to life and sets out to make a name for themselves. Good friends, of course, also try to lift you up.
Rainclouds
Rainclouds are what I call people who just are not good for your mental health. I’ve heard others call them energy vampires. They are people who constantly rain on your parade. They criticize you, belittle you, tell you news that make you angry, or just give advice that makes you miserable.
These are the people who just drain you or make you feel worse when you hang out. When you’re hanging out with a raincloud, you’re left feeling angry, guilty, shamed, insecure, or just downright aggro. Life is too short for these people. Ditch them, and embrace the good in society.
Rethink your love and sex goals.
My turning point, when it came to dating, was when I sat down to figure out what I wanted in my life. I spend most of my life desperate to marry, primarily because I was lonely, wanted some semblance of stability in my social life, and wanted someone to share my unique lifestyle.
I wanted to feel loved and admired. I wanted to show people that I deserved to be loved, and I did this by being partnered up. After I broke up with Milo, I sat down and had a long, good look at myself.
I asked myself why I was so desperate to date. I had a job, a car, and plenty of friends. I had a good figure, glamorous clothes, and plenty of invitations to party with cool folks. Truth be told, I’m a lot more popular when I’m single.
Was I trying to prove something to people? Well, yes, I was. But, at what cost? It was bringing me a lot of heartache and just made people feel awkward. Yes, I wanted love. There’s nothing wrong with that, nor is there something wrong with wanting to be married.
Then it clicked. I needed someone who was not just anyone; I needed someone who would fit effortlessly into my life. I needed someone who was emotionally healthy enough to be with me.
Ask yourself why you want what you want. Is it because society rewards it? Is it because you want to feel desired? A little bit of insight can help you understand yourself, get more assertive, and also realize that you might be going about things the wrong way.
Remember that no one is entitled to sex.
Women are not sex boxes. They are not made to dispense sex if you’re nice to them. You cannot negotiate attraction. You can’t force people to like you, just like you can’t force yourself to like food you can’t stand.
Please stop getting angry for not getting sex. No one is owed anything. You wouldn’t want to have sex with someone you found unattractive, would you? Of course not! So why get angry at women for not having sex with people they aren’t into?
Dating should be mostly about having fun and trying to find someone who “fits” you. If you strike out, that’s okay. It just means you now know that your fit isn’t the girl you just dated.
Stop saying you’re okay when you’re not, and learn to accept help.
There’s a major belief in society that men have to be stoic, and that men shouldn’t cry. Let me tell you, that is bullshit. Guys, it’s okay to feel sad. It’s okay to feel angry. It’s okay to feel lost, in love, insecure, and out of control.
Men lead women in suicide because they often don’t feel like they can ask for help. Please, for your own sake, stop saying you’re okay when you’re not. Feelings are what make you human. No one worth talking to will ever judge you for experiencing feelings—as long as you don’t hurt others while you show your emotions.
If you aren’t sure how to handle things, it’s okay to ask for help. It’s okay to ask for a friend to advise you. It’s not admitting defeat; it’s calling in reinforcements so you can march on to victory.
Accept your sexuality, and explore it in healthy ways.
This is a major issue that I blame America’s puritanical culture for. You wouldn’t believe how many guys I know who have sexual hangups or insecurities about their bodies. It’s kind of insane.
It’s also devastating for the men who struggle with these issues. Our society tends to shame people for talking about sex or being sexual. This is doubly true if you’re LGBTQ, a sexually active female, or a person who has fetishes.
I ought to know, I struggled with my gender dysphoria for a while. It was only recently I decided to come out as genderless. I also struggled with my sex drive, my interest in polyamory, as well as my love of sharp objects in bed. Society made me feel awful, and well, it messed me up for a long time.
Fellas, I want you to understand something.
There is absolutely, positively nothing wrong with being sexual as long as you’re working with consensual partners in a safe, sane manner. If you aren’t harming anyone, you’re totally within your rights to experiment. In fact, it’s actually healthy to do.
You don’t have to be straight and vanilla to be worthy of love and acceptance. You can be gay, bi, nonbinary, kinky, or any other moniker and still be a wonderful lover. Almost every human being has a fetish or fantasy. Don’t feel ashamed for wanting sex, being into kink, and enjoying a little thrill.
If anything, I want you to love yourself for your sexuality. I want you to seek out people who would like the kind of stuff you’re into and educate yourself on how you can safely carry out fantasies. I want you to have fun, and learn to love this side of yourself.
Almost human being on the planet, regardless of gender, has a sexual side. Haters be damned, I know you boys can own this.
Take care of yourself, your loved ones and your body.
We’ve all heard of a man who dated a girl that looked absolutely stunning until the unlucky bastard put a ring on it. Then, almost overnight, the girl in question suddenly gained 30 pounds. Then, kids happened. Boom, another 10 pounds added to the scale.
The former trophy wife now looked like a total mess, and has all but stopped paying their spouse attention. Kids are now her only concern, and even so, the house remains a mess. When these stories happen, is it really that shocking that the guy stops being into his wife?
Letting yourself go isn’t just a female phenomenon; it happens to men, too. The same can be said about the relationships you have with your spouse and friends. They need maintenance, too, if you want to keep them.
Taking care of yourself if a cardinal rule in healthy relationship building and mental health. You can’t be a good partner if you’re playing a martyr. Good partners are emotionally healthy partners. This means that you cannot set yourself on fire to keep others warm.
So, if you find yourself in a bad relationship, walk away. You can find another lady who will work better with you!
Do something kind every day.
Did you know that people who donate money to charity have better self-esteem than those who don’t? Studies show that doing kind deeds pays off on an emotional level. People who donate and volunteer are more likely to have a positive attitude towards other people and life in general. Oddly enough, women voted kindness as one of the top traits they look in a spouse.
