My Ex Changed, But Does it Matter?

    Do People Change?

    The debate of whether or not people change will never end. Some claim that people never change and that if they make mistakes once they’ll make them again. Others say that everyone can change if they want to, but no one can make them change. Then you have your optimists who believe everyone will learn from their mistakes and evolve as a person over time.

    The truth of change is blurred somewhere between heartache and faith. Every story is different and each person will do as they please with their lives. The question is, why should it matter to you?

    We all have that one ex we don’t understand.

    What happened? Why did you do the things you did?  But even more than the question of, “why”, is the curiosity of if they ever changed?

    I’ve always been the person to leave an ex in the dust. I believe that staying connected won’t ever allow you to move on and letting someone linger with an  open ended status will only make things harder. Many people find this a hard concept not because it doesn’t make sense, but because of fear.

    What if you totally disconnect and the person you once called yours changes? What if they are a better person for someone else? Often, people will stay in relationships because they don’t want the person they love to change and give someone else what their ex never gave them.

    It’s a selfish concept, but it’s the truth.

    Now once you move passed the fear of your ex changing, you’ll typically move on with your life. You’ll meet someone else, start a new life with them and store the memory of your ex lover way back in your mind, never to be revisited again.

    Even though you’ll be happy with your life and how you’ve moved on, a part of you will always remain curious; did they ever change?

    We All Have That One….

    I had an ex that I wondered about. Not because I missed him or thought about him on the regular, I honestly hadn’t thought about him romantically since the day I decided to walk away; but anytime I would hear the mention of his name through the grapevine I would wonder, “Did that guy ever get it together. Did he ever realized he was an assh*le and fixed himself.”

    I had dated this guy when I was 20 years old. At this point in time, that seems like light years ago, especially because I know how much I’ve changed over the years.  He taught me a lot about myself. What to allow and not allow a guy to do to me emotionally, how long I should wait around hoping he’d notice me, how much drinking whiskey at a bar when I was angry with him was a bad idea…

    I was thankful [and sorry] for the lessons I had learned from him, but I had always wondered if he learned anything from me.

    That may seem like a vain thought, but I’m well aware of the person I am and knew one day he’d realize what he had overlooked.

    Life foreshadows itself. 

    I had suddenly started hearing the name of my ex more often. Popping up on social media after years of never being seen, mutual friends mentioning him that I never knew even knew him. It was odd how his name became more frequent.

    Leave it to social media to create a doorway.

    Randomly one day, I received a message from my long removed ex asking me how I was. It’s funny how they come out of no where at the most opportune times…

    There was some small talk, then conversation ended. He gave me his number incase I ever wanted to talk more, but I never intended on speaking to him. I was in a relationship and, as I stated earlier, never dabbled with exes.

    Days went by with little communication between my ex I, then I got the message. He wanted to talk to me. He said he needed to say some things he wanted to clarify from the past. Now, me being the sucker I am, always like to hear people out; after all, I would hope someone would take the time to hear me out if I had something to say.

    We ended up talking for about 3 hours. We revisited the good times, apologized for the bad ones, laughed about all the stupid stuff in-between. I enjoy talking to him in a way I never thought I would, like a friend.

    He was actually very polite in understanding that I was in a relationship and said if he ever crossed a line, just to let him know (He was a infamous flirt).

    It wasn’t an everyday thing, but we kept in contact a couple times a week for a short period of time. I enjoyed how I could talk to him as a friend and he opened up to me about how a girl he had dated broke his heart.

    The Hold On Me.

    He had one. A weird, curious type of hold. He made me laugh; he also made me roll my eyes and remember why he wasn’t the guy for me. I never thought anything of speaking to him because no matter what state my relationship was in, I wasn’t a cheater and wasn’t even really thinking of that sort of thing. As someone who has a very guilty conscience, I never felt bad speaking to him, someone I had a past with.

    We had some pretty deep conversations. They were eye opening. I started to understand myself a little better and began to see how my ex had actually matured in some ways. During one of our serious heart to hearts, I mentioned how I’d like to sit down one day, grab a drink and just talk. Although I knew I never actually would, because that would be crossing a line, the notion seemed nice.

    I hadn’t seen him or heard from him in years, but I still cared- something I had scolded my current boyfriend about when it came to his ex.

    The Clarification.

    I had wanted to learn if my ex had changed. I had wanted to learn why I was able to talk to him and enjoy it, but never let any of my other exes carry a conversation with me. I wanted to know if he regretted losing me, but why?

    Because I needed the closure.

    It’s funny how years can go by and you can forget someone, but still not have the closure you need.

    I had just gotten mine.

    My ex and I spoke one other time after that conversation, and that was it. We both went quiet and continued on with our lives.

    My ex had changed. He had learned from both of our mistakes as had I. He spoke with respect and never crossed lines. Him asking my if I thought we’d ever have another chance was a normal question, and although at the time I didn’t know what to say to something so forward, I know that the answer is no. Whether I end up marrying my current boyfriend or end up single, taking back an ex- even though they have changed- would only be going backwards and resurrecting old issues that had finally been laid to rest. At least, that’s how I look at it.

    The Lesson.

    At the end of the day, whether or not your ex changes doesn’t really matter. It’s useless information that we as humans put way too much thought into.

    My boyfriend still speaks to his ex from time to time.He had tried explaining to me numerous times how if his ex was in trouble and needed help, he’d go to her. That bothered me for a long time, but I finally realized what he meant.

    Just because you aren’t in love with someone anymore doesn’t mean you stop worrying and caring about them. Sure, it may not be at the level it was when you were together, but caring about someone you once loved in a platonic way meant you were a good person.

    Although I’ll admit, I’m still not 100% comfortable with him speaking to her, as I imagine he’d feel the same way about me speaking to my ex, we trust each other more than we don’t trust others.

    That’s the point of relationships, trust. Trusting yourself, trusting the person you love and trusting your past.

    I have never been happier and I have the love of my life by my side. I hope my ex finds the same thing in his life because he deserves it.

    It just goes to show, people do change. The past can be spoken about without drama, and respect isn’t dead.

    My ex changed, did it really matter?

    For him, absolutely. For myself and my heart, not at all.






    • Tom La Vecchia

      Founder of New Theory & X Factor Media

      Founder and Publisher of New Theory Magazine and Podcast. Serial Entrepreneur who loves wine, cigars and anything that allows to people to connect and share experiences.

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