“I’m never drinking again!”
Remember mumbling those words last Sunday as you died on the couch?
You swore off drinking for the rest of your life because you’re pretty sure you were literally dancing with the devil at some point last Saturday.
Well, well, well…. look-y what we have here.
Dying on the couch once again, not understanding how you’re going to survive the day, I see. You’re crying about being hangry & hunger over with more theatrics than Queen Bey in Lemonade.
But wait. Have you forgotten the silver lining of being hung over?
You get to eat whatever you want.
You can totally justify your bad food choices for the next 12 hours because your body needs bad foods to stay alive!!
Okay- you won’t die if you don’t eat a Big Mac, but this will be the only time one of those greasy McHeartattacks may actually help you feel better.
There’s a few ground rules when figuring out what to stuff your face with first: Make sure it contains enough calorie dense fats and carbs to put you in a numbing comfort food coma. Make sure your friends who eat Kale chips and quinoa salads aren’t there to judge you, and try to avoid the hair of the dog. They say it’ll help- but most of the time you’ll find yourself gagging before you even sip it.
Whatever time it is, whether 8 a.m. or 3 p.m. it’s never too late for coffee, a BEC on an egg everything bagel and, of course, a glazed doughnut to wash it all down. Everyone has their own favorite hangover foods, but these are the best of the best.
I want take a minute an apologize to those of you that live in states without these beautiful, lit up, hang over God-sent restaurants. Diners make life so much easier. You never have to decide whether you want breakfast or dinner, a burrito or a gyro… THEY HAVE IT ALL!! You Want French Toast with a side of French Fries and a French Onion Soup because you hooked up with a really hot French chick last night? Well, you can it!
CAN I GET AN AMEN!
Shake Shack, you are glorious. Wendy’s, You da rea MVP. Fast food has this magical way of making all of your poor decisions and tragic drunken texts seem not so bad. Bring me Whoppers! Bring Me Frosties! – just don’t ever bring me a McRib. Even Charlie Sheen was never hung over enough to eat crap.
Everything Bagels! Egg Bagels! Cinnamon raisin Bagels! They even have rainbow bagels now! What better to absorb all the yuck you got going on in your belly than a fresh, fluffy, warm bagel. Some people do it up with a little cream cheese. The rest of us fat asses make sure there’s 4 pounds of bacon, pork roll, 4 eggs, 53 slices of cheese and of course SPK. Nothing will ever compare to the first bite of a breakfast sandwich after being abused by vodka the night before.
Garlic knots and Calzones and Strombolis, OH MY! – When it comes to surviving a hang over, Italians do it best. You can even justify ordering Papa John’s when you’re hung over. Hey-if it works for Peyton….
Egg rolls are life, dumplings are bomb, but nothing soothes a queasy stomach like wonton soup. Chinese food is amazing hangover food. Why you ask? Because you can order enough for today’s hang over and have enough left over for next week’s hang over. #coldchinesefoodrocks
Again, I extend my deepest sympathies for those of your who do not have the pleasure of having a WaWa on every single corner you pass. Hoagies. Mac & Cheese. Stuffed Pretzels. Candy. MILKSHAKES THAT BRING ALL THE BOYS TO THE YARD!!
WaWa you are the Holy Grail of hang overs. You are my Sunshine on a cloudy- possibly still drunk from last night- day. Just the site of you makes me feel all warm inside!
Never Fear! You’re Hang Over Cure is Here! Now if only they all delivered…