There’s a reason the word dieting starts off with D-I-E.
It’s a f*cking nightmare. Eliminating your favorite foods from everyday life is miserable, but a necessary evil if the goal is to change your lifestyle.
I’ve tried time and time again to slim down and join the #fitfam, but I usually lose the battle on healthy choices to half prices sushi on Tuesday nights.
[Don’t look at me like that.. you wouldn’t say no to $5 Shrimp Tempura Rolls either…]
I’m in my mid-twenties, and all I hear is how it only gets harder to lose weight as you get older. In other words, if I don’t get my together now, I’m going to be the new Michelin Man by the time I hit the big 3-0.
I’m going to give this clean eating stuff one more shot. HOWEVER, I need everyone else to not remind me of how delicious pizza is.
Here are the 8 things you shouldn’t say when someone is trying to diet.
1. “Really? That’s all you’re going to have?”
Yes, you assh*le. That’s really all I’m going to have…
I’m aware the amount of food on my plate wouldn’t fill up a rabbit, but desperate times call for desperate measures. You think I want to deal with my stomach b*tching at me for the next 2 weeks? No. But you remiding me that there are 4 pieces of lettuce and 2 oz of chicken on my plate isn’t helping.
2. “YUMMMMM…This burger’s great… how’s your salad?”
DON’T TRY AND BE POLITE. You don’t actually care how my salad is. You just want to remind me of the amazing-ness I’m missing out on. You, sitting there, licking your fingers drowning in bacon and cheese.
YOU’RE A MONSTER!!!!
3. “Why did we even go out to eat if that’s all you’re getting?”
B*TCH. I’m on a diet, I didn’t die. Just because I’m trying to be sexy doesn’t mean I have to sit home a sulk for the rest of my life. Why don’t you stop drinking so much hater-ade and just let me eat me broccoli.
4. “I thought you were on a diet? Why are you eating that?”
Not only do you have something to say when I eat my veggies, you have something to say when I decide to treat myself, ONE GOD DAMN TIME. It’s like you love making my life miserable.
This is the first cupcake I’ve had in 3 weeks. LET ME LIVE MY LIFE!!!
5. “Come on, it’s just ice cream.”
Just ice cream? JUST ICE CREAM?! Do you not understand that all the times you said it’s, “just ice cream,” is the reason I can no longer have ice cream!!!!! Its your fault. You did this to me!!!!!! You, Ben and f*cking Jerry.
6. “Ugh, Seriously? You’re still doing this diet thing?”
I’m sorry… did I magically become Charlotte McKinney over night? Is there an issue of Sports Illustrated I’m on the cover of and I just don’t know about it?
YES, I’M STILL DOING THAT DIET THING.
Until I can lay on the beach without looking like a bakery loaded with fresh rolls, I will be doing the ‘diet thing.’ Don’t roll your eyes at me! I HAVE MY EYE ON THE PRIZE!
7. ” You know you’re just going to eat all that other sh*t again one day, right?”
You shut your face.
Yes, one day I will again indulge in a delicious burrito, but today is not that day! I’m not saying I’m never going to enjoy food again, I just want to get to a comfortable weight and then I’ll decide what I should and should not eat. But thank you for pointing out that you have zero faith in me.
8. “It’s the weekend! Start again Monday.”
And undo all the hard work I’ve done all week? No thanks. I’m going to drink my kale smoothie and be happy. Just because I’m being healthy doesn’t mean I’m not fun anymore. No days off, bro. No matter how bad I want a beer.
Stop with the sabotage. I’m not trying to be an insta-hoe fitness model, I’m just trying to not become a cow.