I’ve been in the hospitality business for the better part of 10 years as well as, have been around the bridesmaid block a few times.
From private parties at people’s houses, festivals with hundreds of visitors, to working in banquet halls and restaurants, I’ve almost seen it all.
With all the events I’ve worked, weddings have to be my favorite.
It’s amazing to see the different styles and desires of each couple, as well as how unique personalities really can be.
With all the good being noticed, I also can’t help but to notice the bad.
Brides, why are you so obsessed with the most ridiculous things on your wedding day?!
You’re supposedly marrying the love of your life. You are in the dress of your dreams and you have all of your most loved friends and family around you. So why the F*#k are you freaking out over the most insignificant sh*t?!
I can not believe some of the things I’ve seen brides bug out over or do on their wedding day. Aren’t you suppose to be so love struck and goo-goo eyed that the only thing you notice is your husband?
Cut the Sh*t. Here are 8 Things Brides Need To Stop Freaking Out About, IMMEDIATELY.
1. The Place Cards
Why everyone hasn’t already adopted the, “Choose a seat not a side, We’re all family now the Knot is Tied!” concept has blown my mind.
Aunt Sally can’t sit with Grandma Rose because together they both piss off Uncle Joe? AWESOME! Last I checked, they’re adults and don’t have to sit next to each other. Seriously, they can figure it out themselves?
As for the physical place cards themselves; why does it matter if they’re in table order or alphabetical order?! Can no one read?!
There are 50 place cards, it’s not rocket science. Oh, and if you bug out due to whether or not the place cards are centered on the table next to flowers or off center because they didn’t all fit into the stupid trays that you provided along with your Hitler style, “road map to success”, GET OVER IT.
You really made a road map to success for your entry table? God Bless the man marrying you.
2. The Limos
You ordered the White Roll Royce Phantom to pick you up and a Black one showed up instead? HAVE MERCY!
How could you ever arrive to your wedding in a black car instead of a white one?!
CALM DOWN, YOU KIM K. WANNABE.
Why does it matter what vehicle gets you there as long as you get there!? I’d take a damn Uber if I had to.
If there’s a price difference, argue with them after the honeymoon, don’t let it spoil your day.
3. The Centerpieces
You mean there are only 674 little blue stones in your stupid lantern centerpieces instead of 675?!
OH MY GOD, WHAT A F*CKIN’ NIGHTMARE.
News flash, people care about your centerpieces for about 3.7 seconds and then cocktail hour starts. I know, you want your wedding to be beautiful, as it should be, but if there are 11 roses instead of 12 in one of the displays, it’s really not the end all be all of life.
4. The Actual Seats
As if your stupid place cards and their ridiculous little cat holders weren’t enough, you actually have seat numbers. SEAT NUMBERS?!
You mean to tell me if Uncle Henry doesn’t want to sit next to your cousin Fred because he chews too loud, THEY CAN’T JUST SWITCH SEATS?!
I’ve literally watched wedding planners freak because if the place cards weren’t in the right order on the table, they feared the bride would bite of their heads off.
Enough! Why are you worrying about this ridiculous petty sh*t? If these people are really going to cause you this much of an issue, don’t invite them.
5. The Bridesmaids
So… some of your bridesmaids like their hair up and others feels like their ears stick out too far, so they rather have it down. Are you really that much of a bitch that you’re going to freak out over this? Really? REALLY…
It’s your wedding day. You’re going to be the center of attention. Just let the girl have her hair in a damn french twist and get over it. Your pictures will be fine, you lunatic.
6. Your Instagram.
If you don’t go to Starbucks and get a Grande Iced Carmel Latte with the word, “bride”, written on it you should literally just cancel your entire wedding.
Yes, that was sarcasm.
Even on your wedding day you have to be an Instahoe? Why can’t you put your damn phone down and just- oh gee, I don’t know- enjoy the most important day of your life, maybe?
Yes, everyone will post under your ridiculous hashtag. The only person you should worry about liking you that day is the guy you’re marrying.
And so far, the odds aren’t looking so great..
7. The Choreographed Dance
Ahh yes, nothing says love like making your husband take ridiculous dance classes so you can pretend you’re on, “Dancing with the Stars” for your first dance.
Don’t know if anyone has told you this, but you look F*cking ridiculous.
You can’t Viennese Waltz to a country song , you idiot.
You’re not Julianne Hough, so stop trying and just enjoy dancing with your new hubby.
Husband can’t dance? Pretty sure you should be embracing that as one of the reasons you love him, not subjecting him to look like a fool in front of everyone he’s ever spoken to.
It’s not all about you, ya know.
8. What Your Guests Think
It’s your wedding day! Everyone is going to lie to you even if they do think your color scheme is putrid and the venue is ugly.
Your guests are going to blow smoke up your ass all day. Maybe that’s what you’re looking for; nevertheless, you’re obnoxious.
Are you happy? Are you getting married because you’re actually in love or just because you need to show off and have bragging rights?
Maybe you should reconsider what having a wedding is suppose to be about.
Only freak over the important things…
.. like if your fiancé doesn’t show up because you’re a materialistic psychopath 😉