This Was All I Wanted You To Understand

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    Our love was never easy. You claimed I never listened to you. That I never heard what you said, and that I never put you first- but that couldn’t be further from the truth. You were my first thought in the morning and my last thought before I closed my eyes. I have your heartbeat memorized from falling asleep in your arms. You were my everything, but you never knew that.

    You saw me through a tainted light. Never knowing who I was, or what I stood for. You only saw me as a fool- and you were right. I was a fool; a fool for you. What hurts most isn’t that it’s over, it’s that it never really started.

    I’m a dreamer. I believe there is still good in the world and that life can be beautiful if we have faith. You were a realist. Having a few more years experience, you swore that there was no good left in the world. That we were all doomed and that life was never going to be all I hoped it would be. Maybe that was true. Maybe there isn’t as much positivity and hope as there used to be. I just wanted you to have hope with me.

    I wanted to see the world. I wanted to travel far and wide, experiencing new cultures and finding myself. I wanted to do it with you by my side, but you told me no. You may have never actually said those words, but each time I day dreamed about setting sail or going on an adventure, you’d shut me down. You spoke to be as if I was a child who still believed in fairy tales. I am not a child, by what’s wrong with hoping for a happy ending? I just wanted you to dream with me, no matter how silly my dreams were.

    I never needed diamonds and gold. I never needed the Ritz or 5 stars; I needed you. I needed pizza and funny conversations. I needed long walks and ice cream. I needed random drives where we’d get lost and create new memories. You never understood that. For some reason, you saw me a materialistic and spoiled. You saw me as someone who never thought what you did or who you were was good enough. If I made you feel that way, from the bottom of my heart, I’m sorry. I don’t know how that got confused, but I always thought you were enough.

    I just wanted you to hear me. You found so many flaws in who I was that I couldn’t look at you or myself the same way I used to. You thought I was filled with excuses and lies, that’s because you never listened. You were stubborn, believing your way was the only way and my way was naive and uneducated. I never wanted to put you down. I never wanted to prove you wrong or teach you a lesson. I only wanted you to understand there was more than one way to live life.

    You hurt me. You hurt me in so many ways that you didn’t realize. When spoke down of having a family or getting married. When you told me to find someone else to love me better. When you wouldn’t even pick up the phone to hear my voice. You liked it better when we were apart, saying that we both needed alone time and that you liked us best when we’d only see each other on the weekends. Why? Why were you so much happier away form me than with me? You thought I couldn’t be without you- and that enraged me. It wasn’t that I didn’t have my own life- I did- you just became the most important part. I’m sorry I didn’t know that was such a bad thing.  I just wanted you to understand I was with you because I wanted to be.

    I wanted you to understand I respected you. I wanted you to see that I only had your best intentions in mind. You have demons, you know the ones I’m speaking of. I didn’t care, I would fight them to the death just to keep you safe. Everything I did, I did for you. I can’t believe you didn’t see that. I can’t believe after all this time you really think so low of me.

    You said I never took the blame for anything. That I always said it was your fault. I was never trying to play a blame game- but you only knew how to talk to me, not with me. In the end, you destroyed me. When your true feelings cameout about what you really thought of me, I could have stopped breathing. How could I have let this happen? How could I have let the love of my life think I was a completely different person than who I was?  What did I do wrong?

    I don’t know if you still care. I guess it doesn’t really matter now. Your final words will be ones I will never be able to forget. I don’t hate you- I could never hate you. I wish you nothing but the best. I’m so sorry you never fell in love with me. The real me- not the person you saw me as.

    I just wanted you to hear me. I just wanted you to understand who I was- but you never really liked who I was. I wish you knew how much I loved you. That I was only trying to prove to you, you were the most important part of my life. You thought I didn’t care about you or anything you wanted. If you only knew the truth.

    Who I was. That was all I ever wanted you to understand.

     

     

     

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