Back in my junior high school days, AIM (AOL Instant Messenger) was my sh*t, and just like everybody else at that time, I could not get enough. I lived for hopping on the computer and getting to chat with all of my friends because c’mon, that was the *~*cOoLeSt~*~ thing to do. To this day, I still remember how badly I wanted a Sidekick so I’d be able to take my riveting AIM convos on the go, and I can’t lie, I’m still pretty pissed at my parents for never getting me one. You guys know who you are. #Deprived
Although I’m well aware that everybody’s actions on AIM were pretty cringeworthy, I’m convinced mine took the cake, and after reading this, I’m sure you will be too.
Here are 6 embarrassing things I used to do on AIM that I am still not over (and probably never will be)…
1. Make fake away messages
Not only did my mom and dad not get me a Sidekick, but they also had some serious parental controls on my AIM account. Strict, much? So while everyone was writing “OuTtIe * HiT tHe CeLl <33,” little ol’ me didn’t even have the option of making an away message. Tragic, I know. While it may seem like a little thing to the outside world, to me it was earth-shattering; so, I had to do something — I had to take matters into my own hands.
I got the bright idea that I didn’t need a real away message, and I came up with the most ratchet solution during a time when I didn’t even know what ratchet was yet. I typed out “Auto response from LilMickey2Cute4U (yes, that was really my screen name. No, no one ever actually called me Mickey):” then proceeded to write whatever I wanted my “away message” to be. Then, I’d copy it and sit there waiting for someone to IM me. When they did, I would paste it, send it, and try to pass it off as a real away message.
I wish I was making this sh*t up.
2. When I got real away messages, it got even worse…
Eventually, I convinced my dad to loosen up on the parental controls (that or I hacked his screen name and did it myself — either/or), and at last, I was finally able to have a real away message all my own. #Winning
This meant that sh*t was about to get real and there was absolutely no stopping me.
Why I thought pretending to be depressed and heartbroken at that time was cool, I will never know, but that’s what I went for — and I went hard.
3. Professing love on my profile…
Maybe 13-year-old me was just a hopeless romantic, or maybe I was a raging lunatic — I’m still not really sure. What I do know, is that I always had a crush, and I always had to give him a secret shoutout on my AIM profile, because #soulmates.
For example, if I was hopelessly devoted to John Doe, it didn’t matter that he had zero clue I existed, he was still getting an honorable mention. But, I had to be nonchalant about it — I had to play it cool.
So what did I do? I’d make the background of my profile black, and I’d write 1443 (which stood for ‘I love John Doe,’ obviously) also in black, this way you couldn’t see it… unless you highlighted my profile.
Subtle perfection, I know.
4. Sign on & off repeatedly just to catch my crush’s attention…
If I logged on to AIM and John Doe was already on and didn’t IM me within seconds, I was convinced that it had to be because he didn’t notice I was now online. I mean, c’mon, he totally loved me back and was dying to talk to me, right?
So, instead of doing the normal thing and A. either making the move and just IM-ing him myself or B. realizing he just legitimately did not want to speak to me, I always decided to take a different approach…
What I would do is sign offline then back online about a million times in a row, praying that John Doe’s volume was turned all the way up, this way there was no other option but for me to command his attention.
The end result? He still never IM-ed me… but he did probably block me for being so f*cking annoying.
5. Create a new screen name every other day…
On AIM, your screen name defined you, so excuse me if I wanted to be portrayed in the perfect light. This meant, I was coming up with new screen name ideas ALL THE TIME and constantly changing mine… or at least wanting to.
This is where parental controls came in yet again, and I had to run whatever screen name I wanted by my dad, and he was the one who had to create the account for me.
Just how everyone once had away messages, and I didn’t, now everyone had screen names like Xx LiL PrInCeSs BaBiE xX, and I didn’t. And, I needed those Xx xX’s. NEEDED THEM.
When I tried to make an Xx xX screen name of my own, let’s just say my dad was not having it, and instead he had a whole awkward talk with me about XXX, a.k.a. PORN.
Not the look I was going for, Dad, not the look.
6. Find boyfriends in chat rooms & then fight with my best friend over them…
Since the boys in school didn’t pick up on my coy flirting (yeah John Doe, I’m talking about you), I had to turn elsewhere to find true love, and naturally, creepy chatrooms were where it was at.
I remember logging into random chat rooms with my BFF (don’t know how the parental controls didn’t pick up on that one), and asking the tough question that one does when trying to find their soulmate — A/S/L. I know you know what that stands for — age/sex/location.
After learning those three things, I was hooked on this one boy in particular — because, really, what else did I need to know? Only problem was, my bestie had it bad for him too.
The solution? He was both of our boyfriends. Now I know why I can’t stand to watch the show “Sister Wives.” Memories, painful memories…
Am I the most embarrassing person to ever live on AIM? Let me know in the comments…. although I’m obviously already fully aware of the answer.