It’s not you. It’s not me. It’s US.

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    Why do we insist on doing this? We’re trapped in the same cycle of heartache and arguments, and there seems to be no end in site. No matter how many times we think, “this time it will be different,” it never is. It’s just one big waiting game for the next explosion to go off because the truth is, we both know this isn’t supposed to work.

    We don’t belong together. I can feel physical pain shooting through my chest as I say that, but that’s the reality of our love. So who’s to blame? I think it’s you, and you swear it’s me, yet we stay together in hopes that one day something will give, and suddenly it will all make sense. You’re smart; I’m smart, we both know that’s never going to happen.

    There’s nothing wrong with you or me. We’re just two very different people with very different outlooks on life, both refusing to try on another view. That doesn’t make either of us wrong, only a little stubborn. You’re not supposed to change yourself for love. Love is supposed to bring the best out in you; your truest self. I don’t think we like each other’s “true selfs,” if we did, why would we always find ourselves back in this spot?

    It’s not you, and it’s not me- It’s us.

    We need to stop this madness. Life is too short to be wasted on empty promises and false hope. You’re not happy; I can tell in the way you never touch me. I’m not happy, I know that because the question in my mind isn’t, “when is the rest of my life going to start,” it’s, “with who?” We don’t share the same dreams; we don’t share the same goals. We share some similarities, but the things we differ on seem to cause Tsunami like waves in our relationship; each one causing more unfixable damage.

    And still, here we are. Refusing to believe that this isn’t meant to be. Something is missing; it always has been. We’ve experienced very different lives at very different times and although I understand that, it doesn’t seem like you ever will.

    We fight over nothing. I wish I could say we fight just to make up, but we never make up. Not verbally, not intimately. We both keep trying to fill a void we don’t even understand. Why can’t we just let this go? We’ve both been through heart breaks and pain. We’ve both survived. It’s as if were stuck in this twisted limbo state where we can’t stay but can’t go therefore we fixate on destroying each other.

    People tell me how in love with me you are, but you never tell me yourself. On the opposite side of the spectrum, I never really speak of you to others, but know how much you mean to me and try to show it. What kind of f*ckery is that? We don’t even know how to express our love for each other- whatever love is left.

    We can hate each other, swear we’re done a thousand times over, yet I’ll still show up, and you’ll still let me in. You’ll still call, and I’ll still answer. We are addicted to each other in the worst possible way, and I believe if we continue with this addiction it’s going to kill both of us.

    We need to accept the fact that we are meant for different lives. You are a good person, you shouldn’t have to change for me, and I will never change for you. So why do we continue to draw this out? We both deserve to be happy, and I don’t think that’s ever going to happen if we force this bond any further. We know what has to be done. We have to look at it as the chance for us both to go out and find true happiness. It has to be done because we just don’t work.

    Neither one of us are strong enough to put the other down, so, for now, the addiction continues. The only thing we’ve ever been good at is being bad for each other. This is who we, together, will always be. There is no happiness in this future we decided to chase, only resentment and pain.

    Sadly, this is all we will ever be. This is us.

     

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