An Open Letter To The Toxic Love I Must Let Go Of

    To The Other Half Of This Toxic Love:

    I love you- with every fiber of my being, with every breath that escapes my chest. With every tear that falls from the eyes you use to know the color of; I love you.

    It hasn’t always been easy. If words were bullets we would have launched an entire arsenal at each other by now, but that doesn’t stop us. We continue to fight each and every day. We fight with each other; we fight with ourselves, but the most tragic battle we are fighting is with the truth.

    We’re loving on borrowed time. Something has gone away that we once treasured, and no matter how hard we try to get it back we find ourselves trapped in an ongoing cycle of ‘love’ and heartache. The insults, the storm outs, the threats. The viscous cycle of coming and going as you please.

    We have both spewed horrible lies and even worse truths, but the one that hurt the most was when you uttered the words, “sometimes love just isn’t enough.” Of all the things you’ve said, that knife has been lodged in my heart so deeply I can’t fathom how it’s continued to beat all this time. I hated you for even conjuring up that sentence and couldn’t understand how you believed in such a dark thought.

    Did that mean you never believed in us? Did that mean you never thought our love was strong enough to withstand the storm? How could you ever feel that our love, wasn’t enough? I thought I wouldn’t never understand what you meant, but today I unwillingly have to admit you were right. I finally see what you meant, and they are the truest words you have ever spoken; sometimes love isn’t enough.

    So as we rise and fall with the sun each day, preparing for the countless battles of words and silence, I’ve come to the realization it is time for me to proceed with the mortal wound. Goodbye. I say this with no joy; I say this with no relief. This blow is being delivered with angst, with a pain that I would imagine not even comparable to cardiovascular failure. Emotional pain is the worst, they say. This kind of pain is the kind that can’t be seen but is felt twice as much.

    We tried so hard, but how long can we continue this knowing that the end results will just lead us back to war? Each battle fuels more resentment and more anger than the last. We both know this can only end one way.

    It’s not healthy. It is evident that when it comes to life, our paths are north and south. I want to breathe the east, and you are content in the west. We have one life, and neither of us is willing to miss out on opportunities because the other does not follow the same road. That doesn’t make either of us terrible people, and that doesn’t mean our love wasn’t vigorous and vivacious, once upon a time. It does mean, however, that our tale is coming to an end, and we can no longer reread the last page hoping that each time the words at the bottom will be in a different order.

    I want you to know, I understand. All the truths you tried to warn me about, I thought they were excuses; but this time, you did know better. I can no longer drown with you or stay content with just trying to keep my head above water. I will not let this love take my life.

    I must swim… far away from the toxic love that has been pulling me under.

    I deserve that.

    We deserve that.

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