I’ve been working out consistently for the last 3 months. Now, I wouldn’t call myself a fitness nut and I won’t be changing my Instagram name to @GetSlimWithSteph anytime soon, but I do take my work outs pretty seriously.
Now sue me for being so optimistic, but I actually expected to lose a few pounds when I decided to start my daily work out regimen. What I never expected was to discover a new breed of human in the gym. The best way to describe these kinds of women is to use the term “Mystical Gym Unicorns”. They are perfect in every way and it’s almost not fair.
If you are lucky enough to be one of these beautiful humans, please enlighten us.
TELL ME YOUR SECRETS, OH MYSTICAL GYM UNICORN.
1. How Does Your Hair Stay Perfect?
Hey, it’s me. The disgustingly sweaty, ratchet looking girl about 6 treadmills down from you. I’m not trying to be a creep but I’ve been on the treadmill for about 35 minutes now and you were here before me. The only difference is my hair looks like someone dumped a bucket of water on me and yours is perfect. PERFECT.
Does sweat actually straighten your hair? Do you have a mini curling iron hidden in your sneaker? Are you taking comb breaks? I don’t get it.
2. Your full face of make-up that doesn’t budge… how?
Usually it annoys me to death when I see women come to the gym with a full face of make up on. It’s a judge free zone, no one looks good when they work out; except for you Mystical Gym Unicorn. You’ve been at the squat rack for a solid 10 minutes and you’re make up hasn’t smudged an inch.
NOT AN INCH!
Is there some kind of spray that keeps your face from melting? Do you have special kind of unicorn skin? PLEASE DON’T TELL ME YOU WOKE UP LIKE THAT.
3. Who dresses you as if you are shooting the cover of a fitness magazine?
9 out of 10 times, I’m wearing my boyfriends XL t-shirt ( that I’m not even sure is clean) and a pair of old leggings to the gym. The less I draw attention to myself the better.
And then, there you are….
Walking into the gym with the sounds of angels and bright shimmering lights in a perfectly matching gym ensemble. Did you call Nike and specifically have them match your sneakers to your jogging jacket? Do you live in Victoria Secret and just pull new things off the rack every time you know you’re coming to the gym? And it’s not even like you have one or two perfectly matched outfits. THEY’RE ALL PERFECTLY MATCHED. Sneakers to sports bra, I wouldn’t be shocked if your god damn Mystical Unicorn underpants match too. How do you find the time?!
4. How do you run like that?
Were you trained to look like a goddess prancing through a breezy meadow in the middle of the country side? How is it your elliptical moves look like a beautiful doe eyed deer and mine looks like I’m on an episode of cops and they’re about to tackle my ass? Is it your music? Are you listening to Stravinsky’s, “Afternoon of a Faun”? Should I switch my Pandora from Slim Shady to something else? Teach me your ways!
5. Were you created to take the perfect gym selfies?
I’m pretty sure by now you can figure out why I don’t take gym selfies. But you, in all of your Mystical Gym Unicorn Glory look even more perfect with every duck face and flex.
It’s like when God created you he said, ” and your purpose will be to take the perfect gym selfies.”
It’s just not fair. I’m pretty sure if I even attempted it, Instagram would shut down my account.
6. Why don’t you ever sweat?
Did you drown your entire body in anti-persperant?
Is it because when you do sweat it’s just mounds of sparkles? I mean, I won’t even come near you because I’m afraid your perspiration will glitter bomb me.
Can you actually go from the gym right back to work without anyone noticing?
…Oh Great Mystical Gym Unicorn, your fitness level is impeccable. Your sweat sparkles and you’re on point with everything you do. Please tell us repulsive gym creatures how you build a booty with such poise and beauty!
*Takes out handy dandy notebook*
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